Not Half What I Wish I Was
by Sparcck
Summary: Heero ponders his rash actions in the final battle of Endless Waltz, and tries to put together the pieces of his life, with or without Duo. [Yaoi, shonen ai, angst, citrus: 1x2, 3+4, 2+H]
1. Prologue

Not Half What I Wish I Was  
by [Sparcck][1]

  
Posted: 5 Jan 2001  
Rating: PG  
Archive: Please! Just drop me a line and let me know where it's going. Anyone I've previously given permission to, go nuts.  
Genre: Angst, shonen ai, yaoi [1x2, 3+4, 2+H]  
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, some sap. What more could you want?  
Spoilers: Endless Waltz mostly, but probably a bunch of episodes, too. Pretty much the entire Gundam Wing universe. 

Summary: Heero ponders his rash actions in the final battle of Endless Waltz, and tries to put together the pieces of his life, with or without Duo. (Comes directly after [Waltz #1][2] and [Tomorrow, Tomorrow][3])

Disclaimer: Do I own them? Of course not. Will you sue me? I hope not. All characters, names, places, etc. belong to Bandai, Sunrise, and Sotsu Agency. I'm not making any money off of them, please don't sue me, and so on.

Waltz #1, Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Pitseleh, and any other song I might bite off of Elliott Smith quite obviously doesn't belong to me. They're his, they're all his, and aren't they wonderful?

Note: Eep! It's unbetaed! What am I doing? I just don't want to foist anymore of my crap off on other people who have their own stuff to worry about. Consequently, if you notice anything (bad grammar, OOC-ness, it's terrible, etc.) please let me know.

Feedback: All comments, criticisms, flames, marriage proposals, and death threats should be sent, with care, to [sparcck@hotmail.com][1].

* * *

> _The first time I saw you  
I knew it would never last  
I'm not half what I wish I was.  
I'm so angry  
I don't think it'll ever pass,  
and I was bad news for you just because  
I never meant to hurt you._
> 
> _-"Pitseleh", Elliott Smith_

* * *

**AC 198**

I really thought I was doing the right thing when I left. I knew he had been prepared for my death, and I thought that would have been the best end for both of us. For him.

I push back the curtains and lean against the thick wooden rail, watching Relena with a close eye. No one's made any attempt on her life, I just like to make sure it stays that way.

I will never go back to war. I will never lose myself the way I did then ever again. I will never look into a face so radiant with love that I can't believe it's mine to hold...

He's so much better than I am. Always was. I knew that, had to know it.

I know he's brasher than I am. He's more impulsive than I am. He takes more joy in the battle than I do.

But he's still better than me.

He's warm where I'm cold. He's passionate where I'm reserved. He loves life in a way that I could never understand.

Until the first night I sat and watched him sleep. The first night I reached towards him and brushed his hair behind his ear, my heart thumping off-kilter as the silky strands moved through my fingers. The first night sleepy violet eyes opened slowly to catch me in the act. The first night his lips formed the shape of my name soundlessly before his eyes drifted closed again.

I felt warm for the first time in years. My body was alive and tingling with something that I couldn't define, didn't understand, and I wondered if this is how people feel when they care for someone else.

I had to avoid him for days after that. I found I couldn't look him in the eye and the one time he touched my shoulder I nearly jumped out of my skin. So avoidance it was. But I worried every time we went into battle, and I took to checking up on him, under the guise of giving orders.

He knew my game before I did, and I loved him for that, for knowing me better than I knew myself, for knowing I was human, not a machine, like I had been trained to be.

So how could I stay? How could I subject someone who deserved everything to a man who could give him nothing?

He annoyed me to no end, he was close to impossible to live with, he was loud and rude and made horrible jokes. 

I loved him so much it was a physical pain to look at him. 

But I did leave him. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

There was a moment when I almost didn't go, when I saw a look on his face that told me that we could make it, that this battle didn't have to be the end.

I think about that moment a lot now, and I wish I could do it all over again. But then I remember how he needs normalcy, and I remember the sight of an older Duo twisted around sheets and another body, sleeping peacefully in his new life.

Pain lances through my gut.

I can't think about that now.

I'd rather remember that battle, that moment; rather torture myself with regrets.

It was something I never did - regret. It was a waste of time. 

Add it to the long list of things I never did before I met him.

* * *

**AC 196**

I had already fired twice, and Zero was seriously affected now, seeming to wheeze when I entered the code for the cannon to power up again. I felt dizzy, and I let my eyes drift to the thumbnailed picture of Deathscythe Hell in the corner of my HUD.

A buzz signaled an incoming call.

Duo's face flashed onto my screen, and my heart tugged sharply.

I blinked hard, thinking I was hallucinating. "Nani?" I said, dumbly. "Duo..."

Two slender fingers were raised to his head. "Just wanted to say goodbye," he said, his voice scratchy over my damaged commlink. "Well, see you late-"

The sound cut out as my HUD flared with a burst of electricity. A thread of sparks jumped off theboard and wrapped around my fist.

"K'so," I swore through my teeth, and slammed my burnt hand into the display. The sound crackled back to life and his ragged breathing filled my cockpit.

I love him so much. How am I supposed to do this?

Training had never prepared me for this, for caring about someone, for wanting to put my own feelings over my duty.

It had never even prepared me for feelings, period.

"Duo..." I said again, because there was nothing else _to_ say, but I had to say something.

Inside, I was already calculating how I could pull this off, how I could survive this, save the world and save _us_ at the same time. Not just him, but both of us. _Say something to him_, my mind was screaming. _What's wrong with you? Speak, damn you!_

A shrill beeping started, and I found myself, by force of habit, saying, "Locked on target." But I couldn't look away from him. 

_What kind of a soldier are you?_ I continued. _Why is this such a difficult thing to do? One little decision, two small words, just say them, say anything!_

His hand moved sluggishly, like through water, and brushed the screen, the pads of his fingers pressing slightly, tattooing his fingerprints onto the sensitive glass. A smile curved his lips and my chest constricted. I couldn't speak, couldn't move.

And that's when I knew I had to leave him. Seeing the naked emotion in his eyes, knowing I could never possibly reciprocate the depth of communication there, I knew I would slowly kill him if I stayed.

Someone so full of life didn't need something half-dead attached to his hip, dragging him down. Someday, Duo would realize this was for the best; I hoped I wouldn't live long enough to come to the same conclusion. 

The fact that I ever got to hold him at all would have to be enough.

The target lock was rising in pitch now and I knew this was the moment. I closed my eyes, thinking it would be better if I couldn't see him to say goodbye. "Duo."

Is that all you can say? 

> _"Do you ever get scared?"_

Oh, God, Duo, I get scared. I'm so scared right now. How do I leave? How can I leave you?

"Wakatta."

My eyes snapped open at the sound of the word from his mouth. I never knew how to tell him, but when he spoke my native language, it melted my insides and shot an odd pang right through me, right to my center.

"Daijoubu," he said now, and I had to smile. He knew just what to say to make it better.

My mind shut down before I could change it.

"Yes," I said. "It is."

There was a loud pop, and the screen went dead.

Itoshi.

It hurt, dying, just as much as it had the first time I tried it, and when the sky exploded around me, I felt Death wrap his arms around me, slender and strong, just like the boy I loved. 

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave him.

Maybe that's why I lived.

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][1]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][4]

* * *

[**Onto Part 1**][5]

**[Back to The Waltz Arc][6]**

**[Back to Gundam Wing Fic][7]**

   [1]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [2]: waltz1_1_4.html
   [3]: tomorrow.html
   [4]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck
   [5]: half_one.html
   [6]: waltzarc.html
   [7]: gwfic.html



	2. Part 1

Thanks to everyone who wrote and encouraged and everything. It means so much to me. 

See prologue for all disclaimers, spoilers, and whatnot. 

* * *

  


Not Half What I Wish I Was  
[by Sparcck][1]  
Part 1

**AC 198**

Relena never once glances up at me from where she is, like she used to when I watched over her years ago. She knows I'm here, but she doesn't acknowledge me. There's no need for her to. She's moved on, grown up a lot.

I know she didn't understand why I left the bunker that night, and I never saw I need to seek her out to explain it to her. But she's smarter than I give her credit for. 

I had meant it when I told her I was nothing compared to her.

Her role in the war, in the world, was larger than even she could comprehend. I was nothing compared to her; I was merely a soldier -- she would glue together the broken pieces of the world.

Two years later, I came to understand that she did comprehend the scope of her role, the scope of all out roles.

Her hand is steady when she lifts it to brush her bangs away from her face, her expression is determined, but not hard.

She's done well for herself. I have to admit that I'm proud of her.

The image of three very different young girls overlap in my head. One is strong now, one is repentant now, and one is -- by my hand -- dead. They all haunt me, and I think they always will, since there is no one now to chase away my nightmares. But that was my choice.

My hands still bear the bloodstains of thousands of men, and these are the things I choose to regret. 

I push away from the railing I'm leaning against. It's time to move on.

* * *

**AC 196**

My hand shook when I pointed the gun at the tiny shell of a girl, huddled in Lady Une's lap. Part of me thought I must be dead, that this was all some hallucination brought on by the shock of death, or perhaps hell, where I get to play out my worst fantasies.

I had come to kill this girl. And now I found I didn't want to, just like I didn't want to die.

_Are you that weak? Shinigami, even _your_ Shinigami, wouldn't think twice._

I pulled the trigger.

The sound of the hammer hitting the empty chamber was a relief. White noise filled my ears and I swayed on my feet. "I killed Mariemeia. I won't kill anyone anymore...."

A small, sound - _a weak sound_, my brain supplied - escaped my mouth before I stumbled, pitching forward into warm arms, my head cradled against a soft shoulder.

Somewhere very far away, I heard my name.

My lips moved, formed his name, but it came out as barely a whisper. The arms shifted and I found myself looking up into Relena's face. 

"Oh, Heero," she breathed.

I closed my eyes. She was okay, and that meant that everything was finally over. But all I could think about was him and I wrenched away from her, knowing I was hurting her but not caring.

"Heero!" 

I struggled to my feet as soldiers began pouring into the room, surrounding Dekim's corpse and Mariemeia's prone body. I had to get out, had to get to him-

And then I remembered that I was supposed to be dead. I heard the low rumble through the ground signaling the approaching Gundams and I made a decision that I didn't know I would later regret.

"Boy!" 

I turned and regarded Une, still kneeling with Mariemeia. "This is your world," she said. "You made this."

I found myself unable to move.

"You have your peace. You won't get more ideal than that."

"There are some ideals that can never be realized," I said and the words tore at my heart. 

"You're being foolish, boy."

I ignored her, ignored Relena's anguished cries, and disappeared calmly into the throng of bodies outside. 

* * *

**AC 197**

"If you keep sneaking around like that, people are going to think _you're_ the one trying to kill me."

I spun, coming face to face with Relena. I cursed inwardly. _You're going soft, Yuy._

_A familiar tenor voice, breaking painfully over the words. "You getting soft on me, Yuy?"_

She must have seen something in my eyes. "I know you think you're here for my own good, but really Heero, it's starting to get old."

A million comebacks that the old Heero, the war-time Heero, never would have thought, let alone said, said flashed through my mind. "Hn."

She paused and took a half-step towards me. "It's good to see you."

I was silent.

"I only started noticing you about last week or so. Have you been here this whole time?"

Again, I was silent.

She smiled gently. "I'm know this game, Heero. But it would seem to me that you _wanted_ to be seen, or else I wouldn't have seen you."

I started at that -- she really had grown up. My throat was painfully dry when I spoke. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine. I've been fine for awhile now." She paused. "I-I thought I was crazy when you disappeared that night. I thought that was the final straw, that I had finally snapped."

"I had to go," I said simply, even though the real answer was so much more complicated than that.

She looked down, her toe pointed, dragging along the ground in a gesture reminiscent of a younger girl, the rebellious daughter of the Vice-Foreign Minister. She caught herself in the act and drew her feet together, smiling wryly. "I didn't understand why you left at first. But then I saw the look on… on his face."

I didn't think it was possible for my chest to tighten any more, but the mention of him made it damn near impossible to breathe. My head swam from the sudden, sharp pain that stabbed through my midsection. 

"He loved you. Is that why you ran?"

_You should have known better_, my mind was screaming.

She put a hand on my shoulder. "Heero-"

I stepped back and her hand fell away. "This was a mistake."

"What could have been that terrible?"

"Don't."

She pressed it anyway. "Did you really think you were that bad?"

"Please, don't." _The Perfect Soldier is begging_. I would have sneered if the room hadn't suddenly gotten so close, if the air hadn't gotten so frighteningly thin.

"I've never seen someone look so lost."

"Don't!" I roared, and rounded on her, grabbing one wrist harshly.

She wasn't afraid, and I was practically shaking with anger, fear, and loss. When had this role-reversal taken place? 

Relena raised her other hand to my cheek, and I jerked back as though she had hit me. "Why are you doing this? Are you really that scared?"

_Soldiers don't get scared._

I dropped her wrist.

"Go to him. I never thought I would hear myself say it, Heero, but I don't need you here. _He_ needs you." Her voice wavered for a moment, and I jumped on the weak spot, trying to turn the tables.

"Really. You don't."

She laughed slightly. "This is hard enough, Heero. If I said it again, then, would you go? I don't need you. It's time for me to move on. For both of us to move on."

"It's so simple for you." I was walking dangerous ground by even speaking to her, but I was so angry that I wasn't thinking clearly.

"Yes, I suppose it is."

"I appreciate your concern," I said, "But I'm not here for lectures."

"I didn't think you were." 

She was starting to unnerve me with her calm. _Yes_, I decided, _This was definitely a mistake._

"I'm sorry to have needlessly taken up your time." I bowed deeply. "Relena-sama." And I turned, fully intending to take my leave of her.

Her voice stopped me. "Lady Une was right."

I didn't turn, but I stopped, and apparently that was enough for her. She gripped my hand between both of hers. "You helped make this as much as I did, if not more. Please... _please_ don't make this mistake."

"The only mistake I made was coming here."

She laughed, and I think the tips of my ears turned pink. "It's not like you to be so foolish, Heero; to still be foolish after all this time. Stubborn, yes, but to believe such a lie..."

"And what lie is that?" _Why are you sill talking?_ I demanded. _Just walk away._

"That he's really better off without you."

"That's no lie," I said quietly.

"It's sad that you think so."

I closed my eyes and shook her off of me. "The decision has already been made. Just leave it."

"Oh, Heero," she whispered, a familiar mantra. 

She didn't try to stop me, and I walked away without looking back.

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][1]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][2]

* * *

   [1]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



	3. Part 2

See prologue for all disclaimers, spoilers, and whatnot. 

Additional warning: This part contains some disturbing imagery, gore, and the like. Oh, yeah, and HeeroTorture. Hm.

* * *

  


Not Half What I Wish I Was  
by [Sparcck][1]  
Part 2

**AC 198**

After the war, I couldn't believe how easy it was to adjust to normal life. Duo and I had spent so much time worrying what would become of us when we weren't soldiers, but in the end, it was as simple as knowing that whatever happened there was a warm bed and a firm shoulder at the end of the day.

Domestic Heero. Duo once tacked a post-it to the fridge once with that written on it, adding the trademark symbol to the end. It amused him for days.

Americans find the strangest things funny.

There were still nightmares -- horrible images of blood and death and pain that was worse than anything I'd ever seen during the war. Some nights I would wake to find Duo sitting on the kitchen counter, his hands clenched so hard his palms bled from where his nails had dug in. And some nights, I would sit up with a gasp and blindly reach out for him, wrapping my hands in that warm hair and forcing myself to keep breathing.

But we never talked about it. It was unnecessary.

With us, words in general were almost unnecessary.

Until our last night together, the night we somehow both knew we would need to hold onto, because chances were one of us wouldn't live to see another one. 

The air outside bites into my neck and I flip up the collar on my jacket, wishing for once I had listened to Duo and bought myself a winter coat. I have no idea where to go, what to do. My duffel bag with my whole life in it bounces against my back and something hard pokes out of it, digging into my shoulder.

I sigh, watching my breath fog the air in front of my face, warming my suddenly cold nose.

My whole life. Not exactly. 

How did we both know what would happen that night?

How did I not see this coming?

* * *

**AC 196**

"Heero," he whispered.

"Hn." _Not now, Duo. Just don't_. I took the soft flesh of his earlobe into my mouth, hoping he would just drop it.

"There's a change coming. Very soon, I can feel it."

_I know, baka, of course I know_. "So serious, Duo," I said and let my lips play over his neck, baring my teeth and scraping them gently against the vein that pulsed there.

"Oh, so only you get to do the silent hero routine? Pun intended of course."

I paved a way down his body with my hand, wanting him to just shut up and feel and remember. I didn't know how to say it, so I said it against his skin, laving one nipple and smiling when he gasped, his words effectively cut off.

His hands moved through my hair, convulsively grasping and releasing and he arched against me. I thought I had won the battle, and I moved lower, flicking my tongue against his stomach and slipping the tips of my fingers under the waistband of his boxers.

His stomach jumped when he took a quick breath. I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing him too well after all this time.

"Heero," he whispered again, and I put my cheek to his abdomen, feeling the muscles contract and relax as I brushed soft fingers back and forth over the downy hair there.

"Do you ever get scared?"

The question startled me. Fear. It wasn't something we ever really talked about, because there was never room for it. I hated being out of control, and the thin threads of anxiety I felt from time to time was always burned away by the anger that followed on its heels.

"I'm a soldier," I said quietly, willing him to understand.

"So am I."

"So you should know the answer to that already." Maybe I winced at the harshness of my voice, but I can't be sure.

"I get scared," he whispered, his voice hitching up at the end.

I slid myself up so I was eye to eye with him, and my heart ached to see them overly bright. "What are you afraid of?"

His eyes narrowed, in pain or in anger, I couldn't tell. "Death."

Now I was the one whose breath stuck, and I cupped a hand around his cheek. _Do you see?_ A voice in my head whispered. _Do you see how you're killing him?_

"I know it's crazy," he said quickly, closing his eyes and turning his face into my palm "I've been doing his work for so long, but I still can't..." 

"You have to learn to let go."

I_ have to learn..._

"Then he can't hurt you."

"Heero..."

"My Shinigami," I said. He was. He was my life, my death, my every breath and thought. 

And I had to learn how to let him go.

We didn't speak anymore, because I think I forgot how. 

This is what he did to me. This was the only loss of control I would ever accept. 

And then he said it, just barely gasped it out. "I love you, Heero, love you love you love you..."

Neither one of us had ever said it out loud before. I guess I just thought it was also unnecessary.

I was wrong. It was the most incredible thing I've ever heard, and I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, as I fell over the edge.

I collapsed on top of him, shaking, feeling like my skin had been turned inside out and all of my nerves were exposed. 

He held me as tight as he could, his competent hands smoothing over my back and damp hair.

"Ai shiteru," I whispered, and I didn't even care that my voice was thin and trembling. "Itoshi no baka. Ai shiteru." _Please understand._

I barely felt him smile against my cheek as I drifted into unconsciousness. 

_I'm so sorry._

* * *

> I recognized Shinigami when I saw him, even though he looked nothing like the image of him I carried in my head, or even the pictures I had seen as a child when Odin taught me the Shinto legends.
> 
> "Why? Why do they all die?" Duo sounded ragged, speaking through heaving breaths.
> 
> I blinked. _Duo?_
> 
> He didn't even look at me from where he knelt in front of the God, and I tried again.
> 
> _Duo? Duo!_
> 
> I clutched my throat, but couldn't force the words out.
> 
> "There's more, isn't there? He won't escape, will he?"
> 
> _Dare?_
> 
> Shinigami was silent still, raising his long blade to rest on Duo's throat, tilting his face up.
> 
> Duo smiled slowly. "I understand now."
> 
> _Nani? I don't-_
> 
> Silver flashed quickly, I felt a moment of displacement, and suddenly there was sticky warmth over my hands. I looked down and saw Duo's upturned face smiling at me, his head too far back, _Kami-sama, it's too far back..._
> 
> "I see," he gurgled, and blood fountained from his split throat and tracked down his chin from the corners of his mouth. 
> 
> I looked at my hands, at the blood spattered over them, and I tried to say

"Iie."

> but no sound came out. _Duo..._

"...Iie..."

> "You're-" Duo pitched forward, his head wetly hitting the ground with a sickening smack, and the stench of blood filled my nostrils. 
> 
> _I didn't..._

"...Onegai..."

> Red stained the hem of my white robes as the liquid pooled over my sandaled feet.
> 
> _He was trying to say..._

"I am..."

> I flung the scythe away from me with a soundless cry and my robes swirled around my feet. _Iie!_
> 
> _I am..._
> 
> I recognized Shinigami when I saw him, even though he looked nothing like the image of him I carried in my head, or even the pictures I had seen as a child when Odin taught me the Shinto legends.
> 
> _Oh..._

* * *

I jerked awake, my body spasming painfully. My hands reached out instinctively for the form next to me and I felt the prick of tears when I encountered a warm, alive body.

I had to remember to breathe.

My laptop, in the workroom, beeped shrilly.

_Ninmu._

I started. I hadn't thought about that word in a year. 

I touched his forehead gently, before disentangling myself and easing out of bed.

_Ninmu._

Relena had been missing since last night, when she never returned from a meeting on a fairly new colony.

_...Ryokai._

The dream flashed into my head.

> _"He won't escape, will he?"_

"I was already lost."

The apartment was silent as I moved through all the rooms slowly, trying to burn the memories of this place into my mind.

I stopped in the kitchen, staring at the counter, my eyes burning as different scenes played through my head.

Duo sticking that ridiculous note to the refrigerator.

Duo kneeling in shards of a dish he had dropped, looking up at me with solemn eyes, asking me how to say "shit" in Japanese.

Duo waving an ice-tray in the air, cursing quite well in my own tongue.

Duo sitting on the counter, staring at his feet as they swung listlessly, bumping his heels on the cabinet doors.

Duo telling me he wished he could cry.

Duo asking me to hold him.

_Duo..._

I heard the television click on in the other room. I moved silently down the hall, stopping just outside our room, watching as Duo absently fingered a strand of hair, his sharp eyes -- ever alert, even if he hated the morning -- flicking over the images on the screen.

He was still when the news was announced, but I saw something in his eyes crumble.

_It's time._

_I'm sorry._

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][1]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][2]

* * *

   [1]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



	4. Part 3

19 Jan 2001

See prologue for all disclaimers and general warnings.

Additional note: Okay, so it's 2+H time. Sorry, kids. Oh, yeah, and more HeeroAngst!

* * *

  


Not Half What I Wish I Was  
by [Sparcck][1]  
Part 3

**AC 198**

I keep tabs on everyone as best I can without betraying my location. It's funny how easily I slipped back into the role of Soldier after living as a civilian for so long.

Three years later, it's not so funny anymore. It's just the way it is.

Quatre and Trowa, of course, are living happily together. That's a painful reminder of what I don't have, so I try not to check up on them too often. I know they're taking care of each other, and I'm pretty sure that's what counts.

That's what he taught me all those years ago.

Wufei is still with the Preventers. I wonder sometimes if he managed to find his peace yet. 

There was a moment of weakness that I had once, where I found myself actually dialing his link. 

And I let it ring. 

When it connected, I cut the display and just sort of sat, staring at the dead screen, listening to a confused and half-alert Wufei asking if anyone was there. 

> _"Maxwell?" he said, and my heart squeezed painfully. _
> 
> _There was a long moment of silence, and I was about to cut the connection when I heard a change in his breathing. _
> 
> _"Yuy?"_
> 
> _My mouth worked and I couldn't move. _
> 
> _He sighed heavily, then the line went dead._

It was the last time I ever tried that.

My aimless walking has brought me to a halt in front of a small wooden building with a cross on its apex.

I wonder if he goes to mass, if he still has that collar that he took off after a fit of nightmares one night, after I found him in the kitchen, holding the crumpled white fabric between blood streaked palms and quietly asking if I would go shopping with him in the morning.

I wonder if Hilde holds the same things sacred as he does, like I never did.

He had been looking for me. It kept me on my toes for awhile, and part of me hoped desperately that he would find me. 

It was only a month after my "death", and already, I missed him more than I thought I would. But my honor -- that's what I called it then -- wouldn't let me go back on my decision. But if he were to track me down...

When he never found me, after being so close, I thought maybe he had gotten sloppy. Duo was a master of stealth and should have had no trouble finding anyone, especially his lover. 

_His former lover_, my mind sharply adds. It still hurts, but I've resigned myself to it. Duo offered to make me human and I took it. I assume this is what comes with it.

After waiting for days that turned into weeks and then into months, and he still hadn't found me, I started to think that maybe he didn't want to find me. That maybe he had come to accept that he was better off without me, better off thinking I was dead.

It hurt. It hurt so much I couldn't function for a time after I came to that conclusion. I mean, I know it had been my idea to leave, that I thought I could save the world and save him at the same time, but he was so close to finding me -- only days behind me at one point -- that I had started to rethink things. Maybe my judgement hadn't been as sound as I had once thought. Maybe Relena was right.

Maybe it was time to find him, to shuck this pretense of honor and start over.

But he stopped looking. 

So instead, I went looking for him.

* * *

**AC 197**

I arrived in the middle of the night and walked through the piles of mech parts, crouching every now and then to run my fingers over a piece or two. This whole place had Duo written all over it, from the random piles of different parts to the faint designs I could see etched into the dirt. 

He wasn't hard to find, seemed to take life after the war for granted. His name was attached to a prominent salvage yard on L2, and I had to smile when I saw that -- it was one of the things he had always dreamed of. 

A normal life.

I could hardly wait to see him, and a part of me that Duo had found and showed to me two years ago let myself dream up a scenario of our meeting.

There were warm arms and soft lips and shifting muscles under smooth skin and I could almost taste him, the memory of him making my head swim.

Standing outside his bedroom window, I felt a burning need flash through me, a need to touch him, to hold him, to hear his voice in my ear. But I could barely bring myself to look inside and see him. 

I took a breath. Steeled myself. Calmed the raging nerves that shouldn't have been rising inside me.

I stepped quietly to the window and looked inside.

Duo was there, bare chest bathed in moonlight, his hair half loose and spread around him. All I could see was him, and I stared at him as though just looking at him could right everything that had ever been wrong.

More of those human emotions I wasn't used to. 

I took him all in. His face was sharper, less of a heart-shape; his body was still long and lean, evidenced by the one leg thrown over the covers on one side and the ropy-muscled arm slung over his head. His skin was still so pale and I ached to touch it, to taste it, to wrap my arms around him and speak all those words I always thought were so unnecessary.

In my eagerness to see him, I was sloppy. I overlooked what was right in front of me because I didn't want to see it. I could have lived not seeing it.

The bed next to him rustled, and covers pulled down slightly to expose a tuft of dark hair. I followed the line of the blankets to the edge of a shoulder, down golden skin to a small wrist and hand that splayed across Duo's chest. 

_Iie._

Not wanting to look, but unable to look away, I picked out small, dark patches on Duo's skin that could only be from lips and teeth. 

_Onegai_.

There was a faint ruddiness in his cheeks. A sheen of sweat covered his body.

And that little hand twitched on him, brushing over a nipple, drawing a slight noise from his throat.

_Oh, God..._

"Iie!"

Duo stirred and I stepped away from the window. There was a shooting pain through my chest that made it hard to breathe.

"Dou shite, Duo? O- Ore..."

He moved again and then I heard a feminine sigh. I went cold, numb, a feeling like pins and needles in my heart. 

This was the price of humanity. It almost made me wish I had never found him.

"Iie." I clenched a fist and turned away, swiping an angry hand across my eyes. 

I started walking back towards the main road, and then I was running, stumbling over my own feet as my body betrayed me. 

I didn't stop shaking for days. 

* * *

**AC 198**

I turn from the church. These are not thoughts I'm prepared to deal with right now.

There's an ache in my stomach that I can feel all the way down to the soles of my feet, and I wonder what it would feel like to cry.

> _"I wish I could cry."_
> 
> _"Why can't you?"_
> 
> _A grim smile on that small face. "It hurts too much."_

It does hurt. There are times when I think I may stop breathing, because every draw of air burns painfully in my lungs. 

I don't even know why I'm still on this damn colony. When Relena's meeting was rescheduled for L2 after originally having been on Earth, the first thought I had was that Odin was right, that the gods were still watching us.

I wondered what I had done to make Musubi-no-Kami turn on me. 

But Odin would have said it wasn't Musubi-no-Kami's doing, rather it was Aizen-Myoo, in an attempt to teach me something about myself, to turn my seemingly boundless need of a certain American into a desire for enlightenment.

I shake my head. I know it's neither of those things, that instead, it's just the backwards way things work out sometimes. I can smell mech parts on the breeze, and I curse myself for my weakness. 

I can see his salvage yard from here.

_A normal life,_ I remind myself. _Something you could never give him._

Strength was always something I prided myself on, and I suspected it was one of the things that had drawn Duo to me in the first place. Not that he was in need of any extra strength -- just that he sometimes wanted someone to lean on, sometimes needed someone else to be the stoic one, so he could blow off some steam.

I was more than willing to be that person for him.

He was never surprised when I played along with him, grunting out responses when he paused mid-babble, raising an eyebrow at all the right times. He knew when I started to enjoy our rare moments of lightness, even if it shocked me every time.

The thought brings me up short, and I wonder, not for the first time, how he could read me so easily. I really thought Dr. J had trained me better than that.

_Ch'. _

He just could. Maybe it was because I was ready to let someone in. Maybe it was because the first time I had gotten a good look at him -- peeking out from under a black cap, eyes sparkling with sharp-edged intelligence -- I felt my insides churn with a burning need to be something more than the soldier I was raised as.

Maybe it was because I wasn't as perfect as I had thought.

When did the cracks start showing? When did I first long for a place in someone's life? Why did I long for it? I wasn't taught to. I wasn't taught to enjoy feeling -- I was taught to utilize it like you would any other resource available to you.

But the first contact of his body flush against mine, the split-second of realization in his eyes, the exact moment when the air shifted and my feelings spun out of my grasp, and I stopped caring.

I only knew I wanted more.

The air is colder than usual tonight, in deference to the start of the new year in a few days. I wish it would snow, but I know it won't. The colony's climate controls aren't programmed for random weather.

But I do wish for snow.

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][1]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][2]

* * *

   [1]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



	5. Part 4

See prologue for all disclaimers, spoilers, and whatnot. 

Additional warning: Ooh, citrusy! 

* * *

  


Not Half What I Wish I Was  
by [Sparcck][1]  
Part 4

**AC 195**

"Maxwell!"

"Wu-man."

"Zhou ma! Maxwell, wo-"

"Help myself? Why thank you."

"Ni..." I could imagine Wufei's eyes narrowing. "Zou kai."

I grit my teeth. I know it was just something to help them pass the time but sometimes their incessant fighting drove me crazy.

I was not, as my brain was trying to imply, jealous.

"Oh, what's the _matter_? Don't- Okay! Jeez."

Duo was backing up down the hallway, stopping in front of my room to call back to Wufei. "You know, if you asked me nicely -- in _English_ -- I would have left!" 

"Ben dan!" Wufei swore from the other room. 

"Can't hear you," Duo sang out. He pinned me with a scrutinizing look. "Can I come in?"

"Are you asking my permission?"

"Um, I think I just did."

I sighed and nodded needlessly even as he toed off his boots and settled on the floor, legs drawn up, elbows resting on his knees. 

I swallowed and forced myself to look uninterested. My heart thumped hard, once, before resuming its usual rhythm.

"What?"

"What?" Had he seen the look on my face? I cursed my weakness; I must have been more tired than I realized.

He looked at me oddly, tilting his head to the left, a small smile on his lips. But it wasn't his normal smile; it was the smile he got when he was trying to figure me out.

The room suddenly seemed warmer.

"Wufei _so_ needs to lighten up, huh?"

I blinked slightly at the subject change. "He wants to be alone."

"He could have just said so."

"He _did_."

The braided pilot grinned. "Wo dong."

It took everything I had not to let my expression slip. "So you should have known better."

He laughed. "Nothing gets by you, huh? I didn't know you spoke Chinese."

I stifled a smile. "That's my line."

He smiled again, that infuriating, knowing smile, and shimmed a little closer, craning his neck back to look up at me "You two are really alike, you know? I always wondered why you never..." He trailed off, but his eyes held mine steadily.

"Never what?" I was walking right into his trap. We both knew it.

"I just thought, you know, if you ever needed an outlet, it would be him." His eyes darkened.

"An outlet?" I said slowly. 

He rose to his knees, his eyes never leaving mine, and I could feel his breath across my collarbones. "To forget all this."

My face burned. I had thought about forgetting in the body of another for a time, but I never wanted to do that to any of my fellow pilots. I was trained to take what I needed, but not with them. 

And especially not with Duo. He had to know that.

"I respect him too much." I spoke stiffly, this ground uncertain. But my body swayed involuntarily towards his and there was an uncomfortable tightening in my groin.

"Oh. I see." Pain flashed briefly in his eyes and he sat back before pushing himself smoothly to his feet. 

"Where are you going?" My hands clenched the chair back as I twisted around to follow his jerky movements.

"Somewhere else."

The door slammed behind him.

I sat in silence for what seemed like hours before I could command my body to move. It seemed that this happened more and more lately; I found my body betraying me and my emotions slipping out of place.

I propelled myself out of my seat and jerked the door open, stalking down the hall to Duo's room.

He smiled wryly when I burst in, wincing when the door hit the wall. "I guess it's my fault for leaving it unlocked."

"We were talking," I said lamely.

His eyes shuttered. "Why, yes, we were."

"You left." Inside, I cringed. Duo had been the one to help me feel more comfortable around him, but we had never covered him shutting me out.

His face was harder than I'd ever seen it, closed off, dead. "Well give the boy a prize. Excellent observational skills, Heero; Dr. J teach you all that, or is it just natural?"

I felt my familiar mask slip into place and said nothing. 

"Nothing to say now? But we were doing so well." He came closer, shutting the door behind me and crowding me against it. "So where were we?" He screwed up his face into a mockery of contemplation. "I think you were just about to tell me all about how much you respect Wufei. So let's hear it. How much _do_ you respect him?"

"Duo." It was as much of a warning as I could muster. I felt trapped, confused, and I didn't like the look on his face. 

"What, Heero? We're just talking, right?" He pressed a little closer, and I could feel the whisper of his over-shirt brushing my clothes. "And this is interesting. I mean, you don't really talk to anyone else but me, but even _I_ never got to hear all this stuff. So go on, you won't fuck Wufei because you respect him too much..." He trailed off, as though I were expected to finish the thought.

My mind shut down at the word "fuck" from his mouth, the implication not lost on me.

"Not so talkative now, huh? Well I'll try to figure it out on my own, then, and you tell me when I'm getting warmer." He tapped a long finger against his chin and leaned his other hand on the door next to my head. One eye closed speculatively. "So we've talked about feeling empty... or, at least, _I_ have, and you sort of, you know, nodded awkwardly, right? But I know you feel it as much as I do, even if you won't say it.

"So you decide you need another warm body, to just know you're still alive, and hey, what's this, here's this pilot who's just _begging_ to be fucked. No matter that there're worthier ones out there; but I suppose that's the problem, right, too worthy, too _clean_. Well, that's okay, this street rat seems to appreciate the attention; I'm sure you'll be able to get him to spread his legs."

I was quivering with rage and I turned to knock his hand away, to just get out of there. 

He caught my wrist as my hand came up and twisted it sharply. I reacted instinctively, pulling my arm back, throwing him off balance. But he caught himself on the door jamb and pressed against me.

He laughed low in his throat. "What's the problem? Now a _street_ _rat_ isn't even good enough for you? You can't be too picky, you know, what with all the _pure_ and _noble_ boys running around here."

"Don't," I whispered harshly.

"What's the magic word?"

I clenched my jaw and tried to still my shaking body. I knew silence was damning in Duo's eyes, but there was nothing I could say to his accusations. _If he really feels like that, I have no business feeling anything for the boy._

That was the logical, trained part of me. This new, slightly off-balanced part of me was hurt and confused and angry. This wasn't the way this was supposed to happen. This wasn't the promise his eyes had held all those times we were so close to something.

He suddenly stepped back from me. "I know words aren't your thing. Do you want to settle this or not?"

There was a split second when I was going to say no. But he knew as well as I did what my answer would be. "Hai."

He backed up a little more and dropped into a half-stance, his hands up. "Come on. I'll show you what a street rat can be good for."

I raised an eyebrow to cover the pang of lust that shot through me. This wasn't what I wanted to feel for him.

I just wanted to be a part of something. Of him.

"First shot's free," he said.

I wasn't really trying when I threw a wide left at him, so of course he dodged it easily. His face flushed and he looked angrier than I'd ever seen him. "Treat me like a whore, Heero, but don't insult my intelligence _or_ my skills"

"I don't-" His fist slamming into my stomach cut me off as all the breath rushed out of my lungs and I fell to one knee. 

"Don't tell me you _don't_. But I suppose this is what I get, huh? I was willing to be the one to drive the nightmares away, Heero; I was willing to fill up the emptiness. But not without respect, and _not_ without a measure of equality."

My arm shot out and I grabbed his wrist, twisting it roughly, bringing him down to eye-level with me. "It's not like that."

And it wasn't. He did fill up the emptiness, but I was never expecting sex. He made me whole by filling the void in me with noise and light and the constant challenge of just keeping up with him. Yes, I found my body reacting to him: to the twist of his body in sleep, to the wild gleam in his eyes during battle, to the impossible arch in his eyebrows when he speaks.

But it was never about sex. It was just about him.

"It's not like that," I repeated. It didn't even come close to saying it right, but they were the only words I had.

He was breathing heavily, his eyes glowing with anger and something else, something I was sure was mirrored in my own eyes. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not."

He knocked me back so fast I didn't even see it coming, and then he was above me, straddling my hips and pinning my arms to the floor next to my head. "Tell me you don't care about me. Tell me it was all for an empty fuck."

I was silent, clenching my hands into tight fists and tugging, trying to get free.

"Tell me all these months of that look in your eyes has been lust and nothing more. Tell me you haven't listened to a word I've said."

I drew my knees up, but that only succeeded in drawing him closer to me. My eyes went half-lidded of their own volition. _No_, my mind screamed. _No, it's not like this. Never him._

"Say you hate me." He was practically begging me, and I knew why. Because I think I was just as scared of him as he was of me.

"Say it!" he barked.

My body jerked slightly, and I tried to twist away. But -- _Kami-sama!_ -- the feeling was too much. _I could never hate you, Duo. You saved my life._

"Say it!" He rapped my hands sharply against the floor, punctuating each word.

Pain flared quickly through my knuckles and suddenly the air around us changed. He leaned close to me and his breath whispered across my cheek. My breathing went erratic, coming in short bursts as I felt him press his lower body slightly into mine.

"Say it," he whispered hoarsely. His braid slipped over his shoulder, landing softly on my chest; I could feel it, and him, burning through my clothes.

I wondered what I had done to deserve him. I wondered if I could possibly do this right.

Words failed. I said the only thing I seemed capable of as my hips strained up towards him, needing more and more contact. "I want you."

I hardly recognized my own voice.

And then I was arching upwards, my lips finding his throat, breathing hotly against his already flushed skin. He tasted like nothing else I've ever known.

I felt his answering moan rumble through me and I could barely contain myself. His breath caught and he ground himself into me.

"Duo Duo Duo..."

He grabbed the sides of my head and held it back, staring down at me with eyes that were half pleading and half demanding.

"Mean this," he said. "Onegai."

I made an inarticulate sound at the Japanese word from his lips and surged up, breaking free of his hold so my hands could be everywhere on him at once.

"Heero." He pulled me up so he was sitting on my lap, his legs wrapped around my waist. 

I broke the band tying his hair back and it fell over and around us in a curtain. My fingers plunged into the thick mass, and I fisted handfuls of it. "You're real. _This_ is real."

"Yeah," he said thickly. "Oh-"

I tugged his shirt out from the waistband of his pants and slid my hands up his smooth chest. He gasped as my fingers found his nipples and they drew into little points, hard against my palms. 

He grabbed my head again and then his mouth was on mine. 

That first touch was electricity down my spine, shooting along my nerve endings and pooling in the tips of my fingers and toes. His tongue pressed against my lips and I opened them without knowing why.

His tongue sliding against mine was indescribable.

I held him as close as I could, feeling like I wanted to climb inside his skin; anything to be closer. My lower body moved frantically, trying to alleviate the heaviness in my belly.

He laughed into my mouth. "What are you feeling, Heero? Do you even know?"

In response, I kissed him hard, my tongue clumsily finding its way past his lips, catching his groan as I pressed him into the ache between my legs. 

In truth, I had no idea what I was feeling, or even what I was doing. I had never really considered the option of doing this with someone, always thought that masturbation was as far as I would ever get. 

I never planned on Duo.

His fingers slid along the waistband of my shorts and dipped inside, brushing the length of my painfully hard erection.

A soft, involuntary cry escaped my lips and my head dropped back. 

"Are you okay?"

_Am I okay?_ I didn't know. I didn't know what was happening or how it happened so fast, and all I wanted was more, wanted to be against him, inside him.

"Hai," I rasped, my shaking fingers fumbling to get the front of his pants undone, needing to touch him.

His hand, wrapped around me, paused just for a moment, hardly noticeable.

But I did notice, and I froze. 

"What?" he said, his voice low and strained.

I pulled my hands back and pulled his away from me with effort, grabbing his upper arms to still his movements against me.

"Never you, Duo. Not like this."

His face fell. "You don't want me?"

I let a short burst of air out through compressed lips and pressed him against the bulge in my shorts, raising an eyebrow at him.

He looked shocked for a moment. "Then why?"

I set him back, untangling myself from him and coming up on my knees. I framed his face with my hands. "Because I respect you too much."

Realization dawned on his face and he took one of my hands in his. "Arigato."

I tried not to smile. "Japanese pronunciation isn't the same as Chinese."

His eyes widened and he started laughing. "So why don't you teach me, O Wise One?"

"Ninmu ryokai."

He punched me in the shoulder and I caught him and drew him against me, sliding my arms around his waist as he pillowed his cheek on my chest.

"Baka," he whispered.

"That's my line."

He smiled against me.

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][1]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][2]

* * *

   [1]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



	6. Part 5

9 Feb 2001

See prologue for all disclaimers, spoilers, and whatnot.

Note: I just really want to thank everyone for their constant feedback and support. You have no idea how much better it makes my day.

All previous parts can also be found at the incredible GW Addiction's new address: http://www.gwaddiction.com. You know how Tyr made that joke about it being easier to remember provided one can spell "addiction"? I think I gave myself bad karma, because after laughing at that little line, I've messed it up everytime I type it in. I think it's all the d's. You know, all two of them 0.o

* * *

  


Not Half What I Wish I Was  
by [Sparcck][1]  
Part 5

**AC 196**

The Leo was almost wheezing as I pushed it to its limit, the Altron's Dragon Fang smashing into the wall behind me. 

He was playing with me. 

"I've always wanted to fight you." Wufei's voice came hard and sharp over the comm link; there was none of the uncertainty I had heard in his voice when we last spoke. 

I held my ground when his beam saber powered up - if it was a fight he wanted, I would give it to him. Although I had always thought of challenging Wufei, it was back in the first days of the War in 195; I knew he had entertained the same thoughts.

Especially since he had feelings for Duo. Not that he knew it, of course, but I would have to be blind to have missed it. I can't believe he did, but there are some things people just don't want to see.

As if sensing my thoughts, he came at me.

"What's going on, Wufei?" I asked calmly. I was not surprised to see him here, and I wasn't surprised that he chose to fight me. But I wondered if he knew what he was doing.

"Are you in the right, here?"

"What?" I knew he was here for his own purposes, but to question ours...  


Sparks flew as we clashed, and the Leo was definitley having a hard time now, the gears grinding with a deafening screech. We both slammed into reverse and the Altron's thrusters came up hard as Wufei swung his saber and propelled his Gundam at mine.

I threw up the Leo's buster rifle as a shield - _Not the best idea you've ever had_, I thought dimly, as the heat from Altron's saber reacted to the energy in the rifle. I was temporarily blinded in the ensuing explosion of light, and the only warning I had that Wufei was coming at me again was his outraged cry.

"I'm asking, are you in the right!" His voice was edged with desperation, and I could imagine the look on his face, the deep groves furrowing his brow, lips compressed into a hard line.

I knew his face like I knew my own; Duo may have been my partner during the war, but Wufei was my counterpart. We so easily could have switched places, had merely one circumstance changed for either of us. 

I pulled out my own beam saber at the last second, and the two weapons connected solidly. 

We went a few passes, but, as I suspected, we were equally matched. But even I couldn't hold out against Altron in the borrowed Leo.

And Wufei knew it.

He was hoarse from yelling and his breathing rasped across the communication channels, the sound of it filling my cockpit.

I thought about his question as I let my instincts take over the fighting, hoping the combination of my skill and sheer luck would see the Leo holding out a bit longer.

"Are you in the right here?"

Of course we were. We were trying to prevent war. We had sent our Gundams to be destroyed in the hopes of securing a world without weapons.

When we hadn't heard from Wufei, I knew he had made his decision. But I never thought he would question our judgements.

He hated weapons and war more than any of us. And yet he was the only one clinging to it.

His beam saber slipped past my defenses and my HUD sizzled with the energy overload. I fired up the reverse propulsion to full and shoved hard with the saber arm, throwing Altron off me.

I didn't have much time.

"Wufei, push the self-destruct switch," I said, as steadily as I could. It was my last line of defense; one more blow and the Leo would be finished. I could hear the metal whining in protest as it started to give under the weight of its damage.

His cry was an inarticulate shout of fury as his thrusters flared and he advanced hard and fast. His beam saber flashed faster than I could follow.

The sound of ripping metal drowned out any thoughts I may have had, as one arm of the Leo was flung aside.

Another flash; this time, the light from his weapon blinded me as it penetrated the cockpit. Wufei was done playing; I felt cold, thin air rip the breath from my lungs and I scrambled to get my helmet on.

We faced each other squarely. I knew Wufei wouldn't move unless it was to kill me, and I wasn't quite ready to die yet.

I popped the hatch and stepped out onto the cockpit platform. "I'll say it again: push the self-destruct switch."

In my head, he narrowed his eyes. I knew this was the moment - I would live or die by the next move Wufei made.

A stray thought of Duo crossed my mind, and I hoped he would forgive Wufei.

It was frozen in my head, the picture the two of us made, me standing on the Leo's cockpit platform, and him in Altron, the Dragon Fang poised for the killing blow. I stored the memory away, for when I had time to analyze it.

Me, asking him to accept us. Wufei, asking me to understand him.

There was an explosion, and the wall behind Altron blew inwards. 

No, I'm supposed to die!

It was an odd thought, one that I wouldn't think about until much later. I swung down the Leo's leg and sprinted for the colony.

I'm supposed to die I'm supposed to die.

Wufei knew it, and when the dust cleared, I watched him slowly turn Altron towards the damaged wall, saw him step out onto the platform, clencing a fist. I watched his lips move, read my lover's name on them. He scrubbed a hand over his faceplate of his helmet and straigtened, smoothing his other hand over his suit. He turned my direction again, and slowly, deliberatley, mouthed words that he knew I would be able to read from where ever I was.

This is not over.

* * *

**AC 195**

We stared at each other across the cell for the first 48 hours, not speaking. It was the second visit from Trowa that prompted him to speak. 

"Sometimes, I'm certain I'll never understand people."

I leaned against the cell wall, looking away from him. "What's to not understand?"

He made a low, frustrated sound. "They do things that don't make sense. They do things that aren't honorable-"

I snorted.

"What does that mean?"

I rolled my head to the left, and looked at him blandly. I would not be drawn into this. That was what Duo had done, wormed his way past my defenses and into me. 

"I asked you a question, Yuy."

"Aa." I closed my eyes. He didn't understand people. _I _always thought I did, but then they did things like this.

There was a rustle, and I cracked an eyelid, watching as he crouched in front of me, his fingers white as they curled against the metal floor. "I can take all of this, but to be betrayed..."

"Betrayed."

"Yes! We're our only allies, and he betrayed that trust."

My lip curled. "You're the one I don't understand."

He was silent, almond eyes narrowed almost to slits.

"You're supposed to be a soldier."

"I'm a warrior, Yuy, not a soldier. I'm not like you." 

I was surprised at the quick flash of anger I felt at the sneer on his face. Not like me. "There's no shame in it," I said with a shrug.

He knew better. "But you were simply trained. I-"

"Was trained. We're no different."

Lights flashed in the hallway outside, bright red lancing through the dimly lit passage. There was a rush of noise, and we watched in silence as soldiers ran by, their heels beating an interesting pattern on the metal.

As soon as we couldn't hear the footfalls anymore, the Chinese pilot spoke. "I'm a warrior. You could be, too."

I crossed my arms. "I don't need pretenses." This conversation was definitely taking a turn I didn't like.

I expected him to take a swing at me, or at least go back to ignoring me. But he seemed to be contemplating what I had said. 

"I didn't want to be here with you. With any of you. Warriors aren't supposed to need anyone."

I was silent. Soldiers aren't supposed to need anyone, either. Wufei still didn't unserstand that no matter how you looked at it I was a warrior and he was a soldier and vice-versa, and in the end it was all unimportant save the mission.

"I have to make my own way." He sat back heavily.

"We all do," I said, dispelling the image of a certain pilot from my mind. He was a distraction. Even Wufei would have agreed with me there.

"I hate this war," he hissed, violently striking the floor with a tight fist. I could see the bruise start to darken his hand almost immediately, but I didn't say anything.

There were shouts down the hallway and the sirens stopped, the lights suddenly coming up normal. I knew a split second before the doors opened that Duo had been captured. It was just something different about the air - the hairs on the back of my neck stood up straight.

The American was roughly shoved inside and he stumbled, tripping down the wide steps and crashing to a heap. I could see the rips in his clothes, the caked on blood and dirt, and it took everything I had to sit still.

"Botched your mission?" My voice hitched up on the end and it was only through years of training that I was able to keep the bland look on my face when Wufei sharply glanced at me.

"You'll see," Duo said, pushing himself up on his elbows, and my heart lurched at the ragged tone of his voice. "I'll become Shinigami once again." His grand declaration was cut off by a wet cough and he slumped down, his cheek pressed to the floor as his arms gave way. "But right now, I'm so tired..."

Wufei and I were silent as Duo succumbed to unconsciousness, but my heart was pounding so loudly I was certain the Chinese boy could hear it.

He cocked his head to the side, not looking at me when he said, "Make sure he's okay."

"He'll be fine," I said dismissively.

He swung around to look at me, holding my gaze, his head high. "I care only for the end to this war; and we are its means."

I couldn't go to him now. If I touched him, it would be all over. He was such a distraction, it was infuriating and confusing and made my belly ache with it. I narrowed my eyes. "I _said_, he'll be fine." 

"Dammit, he could be severly injured!" His hands were shaking even as he clenched them at his sides. 

We were both caught, our eyes wide as we stared at each other, and something passed between us. Wufei felt it, too, felt that pull from the braided pilot, but he was as loathe as I was to admit it. 

I nodded and moved closer to Duo, watching as my hand, completely unbidden, moved to skim lightly over his back, over his shoulder and down one arm. His fingers were icy, and I took one of his hands in mine as I rolled him over.

Now that I was touching him, I couldn't stop myself and I reached out to brush his bangs out of his eyes, letting my fingers trail over his eyelids and across his cheekbones. He was so fragile like this, so unlike the boy he showed to the world. My breath caught and I lay my hand over his heart, just feeling it beat.

Wufei shifted a little, and I glanced at him through the fringe of my hair, watching him watch me. His eyes flashed with pain and understanding, but when they met mine they shut down. He rose, moving to the far end of the cell, where he folded himself into a loose lotus position, the only thing betraying him the repeated clenching of his right hand.

I knelt next to Duo for hours, waiting for him to wake up, clutching his hand in mine.

Wufei only looked up once, when Duo stirred. He met my eyes over that shining brown head, and again, something passed between us. I had to look away, drawn inexorably to a deceptively angelic face.

Cloudy violet eyes blinked up at me wearily. "Hey," he croaked.

"Hey."

His small-boned hand flexed against my palm, long fingers threading through mine. "Hey." And he smiled.

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][1]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][2]

* * *

   [1]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



	7. Part 6

29 Mar 01

Goodness, I haven't posted this in awhile. Well, it's finally finished, so here's this, and one more, right after this.

And, as always, you can find this and all my work archived over at [GW Addiction][1].

See the prologue for any and all disclaimers, warnings, and whatnot.

* * *

  


Not Half What I Wish I Was  
by [Sparcck][2]  
Part 6

**AC 196**

"The war we fought is over." I pulled back sharply, narrowly avoiding a saber through the chest.

His voice crackled over the commlink, his breathing erratic. "So we don't need warriors? So soldiers who know nothing but battle get tossed aside?"

I don't even think he realized he had switched words: there was a time when Wufei made a sharp distinction between himself -- a warrior -- and the rest of us misguided soldiers. 

_What happened to you, Wufei? What happened to the warrior I once knew?_

Wufei never looked more the part of a soldier than he did then. In his starched-white, sharp-collared shirt, silver pins gleaming on its cuffs. But the expression on his face -- the rage, the passion -- I wished I could show that to him. 

I remember when Treize died. I remember the wail of agony that blasted over the communication channels from the Altron, still sparking from its confrontation with the OZ general. That was Wufei the scholar, the lover, who had lost everything. I guess we all should have seen it coming.

He came at me again, swinging his saber in a wild arc. We clashed and held, Altron and Zero, Wufei and I, perfectly matched. Counterparts.

I remembered a conversation between Duo and I, just after the War ended. "Soldiers have fought to attain a sense of peace," I said, but the image of Duo stuck in my head, his face soft and almost out of focus. I struggled for calm. 

> _"Believe in what we made."_

"Believe the in the world we live in," Duo said, speaking through me. 

Wufei, if he noticed the change, didn't stop. 

I grabbed Altron and bodily flung it off Zero, propelling it towards the Earth. He needs to see, I thought. He needs to see the world without space between them. 

"I'm acting for the people used as weapons. I'm fighting for all soldiers, _including_ you!" 

"Wufei..."

The question on my mind, when he became a soldier like me, went unasked.

The atmosphere around us started burning as it reacted with the gundanium, the two of us streaking into Earth-space as we once had years ago. _So full of hope then._

That must have been Duo again. The world tilted and I lost my grip on Altron.

"You and I are fighting like this," Wufei ground out. "Don't you feel fulfilled, as I do, when you're fighting?"

I paused, my grip on reality slipping a bit. I did feel alive, adrenaline pumping through me, my heart beating a slow, steady beat that I only had during the war.

> _"Believe in me, Heero."_

"You and I are the same! We can only acknowledge our existence on the battlefield." Wufei banked Altron hard, trying to throw me off. 

I was so off-balanced by his words that I almost didn't see it when he pulled his saber. But something in me - the Soldier, I know - reacted, and grabbed it mid-swing, trying to crush the metal in Zero's grip.

> _"Can you do that? Believe in me?"_

I knew what it was to have to choose between what you know is right, and what you want to be right -- I can only imagine what Wufei must have felt to have to fight his lover. I wondered if he ever saw Treize, covered in blood, looking at him with such blind faith and acceptance, and was unable to speak in the face of such love... My voice was heavy when I spoke. "Remember, Wufei, Treize is dead. You've already defeated him." 

There was a slight hitch in his breathing before he exploded. "You're _wrong_! I _still_ fight him, even now!" With a burst, he pushed away from me, and we both dropped into the clear sky of the Earth, pulling up just to go at each other again. He was still speaking, almost lecturing me.

"I do not approve of Relena Peacecraft's ways. Her belief that peace comes from discarding weapons and confining soldiers is wrong."

_Is she that wrong?_ I thought. _No, I came to the same conclusion... to save Duo..._

> _"It's not that simple."_

"So that's why you're allowing Mariemeia's autocracy?"

"That's where the souls of soldiers congregate!" And he flew at me again, a blur of green metal and blazing thermals. Altron slammed into Zero, crushing the cockpit inwards and setting off the internal alarms. 

All my external cameras blinked into static, my air supply stopped; I felt like I was cut off from everything, except for Wufei and his anger. Wufei and his confusion and weariness. And suddenly, _I_ was weary, and I needed for this to be over.

"That may be okay for now," I said, not even knowing if he was hearing me. "But Mariemeia will end up repeating history: a history full of miserable wars. Unless we stop this process now, more soldiers like ourselves will become necessary." I paused, my breath coming much harder as I struggled for air in the small space. "If that happens, a history of tragedy will keep repeating itself."

I wanted contact, more contact than the sound of Wufei breathing over the commlink. I needed to hear something, to feel something real. I flexed my hands around the controls. 

"Wufei, tell me... How many more people must we kill? How many more times must I kill that girl and her dog?" My skin was burning from the outside and the inside -- the cockpit straps bit through my clothes and cut into my collarbones; my heart felt like it would explode from my chest.

> _"Of course it is."_

My head was spinning. I was alone. So alone in this world. I had no future, and my past seemed so very far away. 

And Duo... he was like a dream, like the thread of a dream that you can't hold onto upon waking. There was a blip, and for a moment I could make out Wufei's blurry form on the HUD, but then even he faded into static.

> _"It's not... it's just not..."_

I was losing it. I was losing my grip. And Zero had abandoned me.

_Show me my future, Zero_, I thought desperately. I saw nothing but white, buzzing white, an endlessness of nothing.

_Zero, don't leave me now._

> _"Not what?"_

"Tell me," I said, my voice hoarse and distant. "Zero won't tell me anything..."

Zero disintegrated around me, the controls dissolving in my hand. I felt like I was plunging downward into nothingness.

"Tell me, Wufei..."

Heavy hands dragged at me as time slowed to a crawl and space dropped out from around me. 

There was an implosion of sound and the world turned to freezing liquid.

> _"It's not a matter of belief."_
> 
> _"You're wrong. I know you're wrong."_
> 
> _"How?"_
> 
> _"Because I believe in you."_

And then everything faded to white.

* * *

**AC 195**

The first time I watched him sleep, it was like an almost-revelation that I wasn't ready to face yet.

It was a rare moment of quiet, since he hadn't been sleeping well. And I only wanted to watch for a little while, to try to figure out what made him so still like that where he was so alive during the day. While I walked around like a ghost and got restless the minute the sun went down.

I felt... light when I touched him.

He mouthed my name in his sleep. 

It felt like falling. It was a completely alien feeling, and suddenly, my hand burned where it touched his skin. 

When we transferred schools, I made sure to get us separate rooms. For all the good it did me.

"I know it's late..."

I looked up to see Duo stiffly standing in the doorway to my dorm room. "What?"

He cleared his throat. "I know it's late, but I was wondering if I could stay in here tonight. Again."

"I don't care."

Screwing up his face up on one side, Duo stuck out his tongue. "Gee, thanks." He paused. "Seriously, though, I really appreciate it. I mean, even if you do still owe me."

I raised an eyebrow and he clucked his tongue. "What can I say, man, parts are expensive."

I just shrugged and turned back to my laptop. That's what he had said the night before when he came to ask if he could stay with me, and the night before that. Something in me refused to figure out what that meant, even if there was a nagging at the back of my mind insisting on knowing. 

I chalked it up to mission premonition. Nothing more.

There was rustling behind me and I watched Duo's reflection in the screen as he stripped off his over-shirt, tucked the collar into a sleeve, and folded it all into a makeshift pillow before settling down on the floor.

I tried doing work, but soon my mind was filled with the sound of his soft breathing, and I resigned myself to getting little done over the next few hours, the same fate my work had suffered the past two nights.

I studied his dark reflection in the screen and found him staring back at me.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I grunted in response, tilting the monitor so all I could see was his midsection, twisted along the icons running the top of the desktop.

"Is this what you do every night? I thought you were just ignoring me when we roomed together."

It took everything I had not to spin around to face him; instead I pressed my fingers hard into the keyboard, watching gibberish fly across the screen. 

"Do what you want, I mean, I'm just saying. You don't _have_ to let me stay here."

My heart jumped and I felt anger race along my nerves. I didn't want to be feeling this, I didn't want to be afraid he would leave or afraid of asking him to stay. I was a soldier, trained to fight and take orders; I utilized my emotions, I didn't let them tangle my stomach into knots over some boy.

"Do you want me to go?" 

He knew and he was doing it on purpose. He wanted me to say I wanted him to stay, wanted me to somehow not be the person I was trained to be. And the unsettling thing was that I wanted to not be that person, either. 

Unable to ignore it any longer, I isolated and defined the thing curling through my limbs. It was need. And want. And if he was offering it, why deny myself? Why not just take it?

I powered down the machine and flipped off the lights, making my way over to where the braided pilot lay on the floor. I reached down and pulled the bundle of shirt out from under him, smiling almost against my will at the satisfying crack of his head against the wood.

"Ow! Shit, Heero, what the hell was that for?"

I pulled back the covers on the small bed and gestured, knowing he could see me even in the dark. "Sleep there," I said roughly.

"And where are you going to sleep?" He said this almost cautiously, rubbing the back of his head gingerly, as though I would revoke the offer if he made too much of a fuss.

I raised an eyebrow but was silent.

He chuckled. "Subtle, man."

"Not like that," I snapped.

He pulled off his undershirt, slowly, stretching his arms over his head. 

I looked at him steadily, refusing to let him know how he was affecting me. And he _was_ affecting me: my belly clenched and my groin pulled at the sight of those long muscles shifting under his skin. 

He made a big show out of folding his clothes as I lay down on the narrow bed, declaring that he was going to add the cost of his shirt to my "tab" if it was ripped. 

I realized, too late, that by getting in first, I would be trapped next to the wall. But I resigned myself to it, already counting the hours of tense, missed sleep.

Duo waited until I was settled before climbing in. He seemed to hesitate a moment, one knee to the mattress, then he was clambering over me, sliding his body into the small space between me and the wall. I didn't miss the wicked gleam in his eyes as his face passed close enough to mine for me to feel his breath on my cheek. 

He was definitely doing this on purpose.

The dark was almost soft as it filled with the sound of his breath in my ear; his proximity had exactly the opposite effect as I thought it would.

It calmed me. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like my nerves were strung tautly across my body. My muscles weren't coiled and ready in case someone ambushed us.

I was just... calm. My heart was beating slowly, steadily, and I relaxed into the feeling of being tired.

And he was so warm next to me. 

I turned again to the feelings coursing through me, and I picked through them, defining each one and then moving on. There was still want there, but the need was sated. And there were new feelings there, ones that I couldn't place because I had never really felt them before. 

"Stop thinking so loudly, dammit, I can't sleep," Duo mumbled. He dragged his braid from under him and rolled on his side, presenting me with his back.

I was familiar with the little bubble of laughter that was caught in my chest; I had roomed with Duo for about a month after all. But these others were confusing; the best I was able to liken them to were comfort, maybe, contentment.

This was the beginning of actually being human, I realized, the beginning of being alive. Of wanting to live, instead of taking it all as one lump mission.

I reached a hand out, and there were more new feelings. Wonder, which I was finally able to place as that rushing sensation of falling I had felt when I watched his lips form the shape of my name.

Wonder. I should have been able to marvel at things. I was fifteen years old.

He twitched suddenly, and rolled his head back to look at me over his shoulder. "Oh, for-- Come here, stupid." And he scooted back a little, until my hand, still outstretched, collided with his back.

And then it was easy.

Sliding an arm around his waist, twining my legs with his, spooning my body to follow his curves, resting my head so close to his I could smell spice.

A warm, dry hand covered mine and he sighed.

"Subtle, man," he said again, but there was gentle humor there, and the laughter bubbled up easily.

"Sleep," I said, and I tried to let the laughter show in my voice.

A gentle squeeze of his hand told me he had heard it, and I was inordinately pleased. "Yeah, sleep," he murmured.

* * *

**AC 196**

"Can you get up, Zero?" I whispered.

I wanted to fight.

Being human meant sacrifices. It meant making decisions and following through. Odd how much that was like being a soldier.

But now I was doing it for myself, not for any mission. And that thought made me think it was okay. 

Zero's systems came online silently, a soft whir of internal mechanisms. 

_Duo._

I blasted out of the ocean with a roar, and as the glowing arc of the sky stretched out, for a moment all I could see was Duo, and I knew that no matter what, I would do whatever I needed to protect him.

Save the world. Save Duo. Ninmu ryokai.

Simple. Human. 

I smiled.

* * *

End Part 6

"But Jeanine," I know you're thinking. "This is so happy compared to your other fics. That's great!"

*innocent smile* Angst? What's that?

Sparcck

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][2]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][3]

* * *

   [1]: http://www.gwaddiction.com
   [2]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [3]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



	8. Part 7: Conclusion

29 Mar 01

See prologue for any and all disclaimers, warnings, and whatnot.

As always: archived at [http://www.gwaddiction.com][1], feedback to [sparcck@hotmail.com][2]

* * *

  


Not Half What I Wish I Was  
by [Sparcck][2]  
Part 7

**AC 198**

I had no idea how wrong I was, but that's a part of being human, too. I told Duo once that I fell in love with him because he was the only one who ever thought I was capable of making mistakes.

He responded by teasing me, of course, but he seemed to have given it thought that day, and he brought it up later, as we were falling asleep.

> _"You think you're not human, and that's what keeps you from really living."_
> 
> _I was silent, but he knew I wasn't asleep._
> 
> _"People screw up, Heero. You screw up. You get hurt, you feel things." He made a tight sweeping gesture with his fingers. "Human. Just like that. Same as everyone else."_
> 
> _He turned his head to look at me, and smiled broadly. "Sucks, ne?"_
> 
> _That falling sensation came over me again and I reached out to take his hand and pull it to my chest, feeling his fingers moving ever so slightly against me. "No."_

I made a mistake. Many mistakes. And I'm horrified to find myself sitting here, in the middle of the night, on a colony where my former lover is sleeping with his new lover and blissfully unaware of my presence, wondering which mistake was the worst.

How can I wonder if it was worth it?

The sight of a small, golden skinned hand on his chest, his hair loose, as it had once been only for me, his face relaxed and peaceful in sleep, comes to me, and for a moment I have to fight back the bile that rises in my throat.

How can I wonder? This is how. I am, right now, wishing I had never known Duo, because this pain is something I cannot even begin to catalogue.

I want to run to Duo's door, pound on it, demand that he tell me if this is normal, if I'm supposed to doubt myself, doubt _us_, this much. I want to beg him to tell me that I was wrong to leave, not wrong to have loved him.

To love him even now. 

I ponder what it would have been like without him, to have been alone but never to have known the difference.

I never would have known his hands on my skin, his mouth on mine, his hair clutched in my fist. I never would have heard the words "I love you," never would have really understood what they meant. Or, better still, I never would have been able to say those words back to him, and mean them, and finally understand the one part of my own language that was eluding me.

Would that have been better than this?

I desperately try to hold onto these feelings, even as they have faded over the past three But the only real feeling I have now is this yawning hole in my chest, and now it hurts to breathe, and I don't know if this is normal or not...

I'm losing my grip.

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel suddenly warm and cold all at once? Why do my eyes feel like they're burning? I've never cried -- I have tried to force myself in the past, when J was teaching me to utilize my emotions, but I never could. And now I feel like I want to, like that's the normal thing to do.

_Zero, show me my future._

I hunch over and hitch my breath purposely, and I want the tears to come, dammit, I _want_ them to. 

_Duo, please, show me my future._

I mimic sobbing now, and still... Cry, damn you, why can't you cry?

Maybe Duo was wrong, not me. Maybe I'm not human after all. But I did make a mistake. 

What was it again?

My chest hurts and I don't feel right. Certainly not how a soldier is supposed to feel.

Duo, if I go to you, will you tell me what's happening to me? Will you show me how to do this? Will you teach me again?

Maybe I _will_ pound on your door, Duo, and then you can make me all right. At least assure me that I wasn't wrong to love you. Because I don't want to have been wrong about that. About anything else, but not that.

My eyes are still stinging, but they remain dry. The smell of his salvage yard reaches me, and I decide that I will go to see him. He will tell me what's wrong.

New feelings again. Indecision warring with resolve.

_Ninmu._

I've become a soldier, in these three years without him. I've gone back to what I said I would never do again, and I did it without even realizing it. I don't want this, now that I know what it's like to not be this. I don't want this anymore.

But I think I need it. I don't know what to do otherwise. So maybe I never really left it behind.

_Onegai. Ninmu._

So I stand, rooted in place, the wind whipping my hair around my face, and I wait for someone to come and tell me what to do. I wait for Duo to come and tell me to be human again.

* * *

End

*Ducks flying objects* All questions, comments, flames, marriage proposals, and death threats go to [sparcck@hotmail.com][2]

Sparcck

* * *

All original story elements and writing copyright 2001 [Jeanine Schaefer][2]. Please do not distribute this without my permission. If you want to archive it, just let me know. Any other comments or criticisms, same thing. 

**101-ism:** [http://members.nerve.com/sparcck][3]

* * *

   [1]: http://www.gwaddiction.com
   [2]: mailto:sparcck@hotmail.com
   [3]: http://members.nerve.com/sparcck



End file.
